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One of the problems dealing undiagnosed Aspie women, besides being unaware the condition even exists, is thinking she might be a narcissist or have borderline personality disorder, especially when you thought she was normal, just on the quiet side. For years I thought a woman I’m now convinced is very high functioning Asperger’s, was shy and fragile. When she re-entered my life after decades without contact, she seemed to be a very different person than I previously thought she was.

Now I know she’d been telling me lies before but I didn’t know it at the time. However, the worst ones are those she tells herself. Her self-centeredness shines through now that I’ve discarded my rose-colored glasses. Learning she was an Aspie woman was neither quick nor easy. In an attempt to better understand what was going on with her, I searched the internet with terms describing her behaviors. At first, borderline personality disorder generally popped. When I added the self-centered behaviors to the list, narcissist personality disorder appeared. Later, triggered by a discussion of a friend’s autistic grandson’s behavior regarding the demise of the long-time family pet he played with by the hour, the light came on.

Searching jointly on Asperger’s, narcissist, and borderline returns numerous pages devoted to the difficulties dealing with people having these disorders and determining which disorder or disorders they have. So much overlap exists in the definitions that a lay person, such as myself, cannot definitively determine if an intelligent, attractive, youthful, self-centered woman who exhibits antisocial behaviors is borderline, narcissistic, or Asperger’s. Given that most adult women with any of these disorders won’t likely submit voluntarily to diagnosis and thinking Asperger’s is the most benign and least accusatory, I choose Asperger’s.

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