I don’t have time or inclination to spend the time to teach you everything I know, so I’m referring you to sites that’ll guide you to mastering some of my tricks.

When I was young and innocent (how I referred to myself to Tim in letters when he was overseas) but actually young, oversexed, shy, and not pretty enough to attract men who just wanted to bed me, I determined to become so good in bed men would come to me for sex. I studied and practiced long and hard (puns intended) and earned the title of Blow Job Queen by my early 20s. Of course you’ll want to read several of the sex manuals that were just coming out when I was coming of age but to jump start the process, read this article on how to give great blow jobs. You’ll never regret mastering this skill. I don’t, even though I’ve put men in the hospital giving them one.

I prefer to restrict my together time to weekends and devote weeknights to myself but my libido doesn’t always cooperate. I stumbled onto the answer one night when my then boyfriend called me when I was about to masturbate (my very fave) and asked me what I was wearing. As they say, one thing led to another. I’ve thought about publishing a manual for giving phone sex but don’t want to spend my precious free time doing that. Light some candles and read this piece to get started in the right direction.

When I was young, foolish, and egotistical about my prowess, I had one firm rule: No Props. I’d do anything imaginable with a man but it could only involve our bodies. Nothing else. Not even ice cubes or barbed wire. Besides that, I enjoyed sex with or without a man and I don’t like men cluttering up my life weeknights, just Friday and Saturday. I like to be home by Sunday noon. Sunday afternoons are when I see whoever I have on the side. Sunday nights I do laundry and pleasure myself while reimagining my exploits over the weekend just ended. You surely know all the basics of flicking the bean so I’ll refer you to some advanced tips to enhance your pleasure.

I long ago dropped the No Props rule and have gone through a number of vibrators whom I’ve named Sidney. I get deeper orgasms that last longer and come (pun intended) quicker using an electronic assistant than I can by hand and withough risking carpel tunnel syndrome. What more can a girl want? Sidney wants me when I want him, does exactly what I want him to do when I want him to do it, and goes to sleep only when I want him to. Unfortunately, he’s a poor communicator and didn’t tell me how to use him for best effect. I had to learn that by trial and error. Here are instructions for shortening your learning curve.

If you’ve ever wanted to give your special man something that will cause him to forget that other women even exist as I have at times, you’ll want to know how to give him the Shanghai Squeeze. It takes lots of practice and training on your part but none on his, so it’s perfect. It got Wallis Simpson a king, so I thought it’d surely get me lesser men. It did (and does). Learn what Wallis’s first husband taught her in a Hong Kong brothel and you’ll drive any man wild.

Being a hygiene freak, I don’t often consider giving men a rusty trombone, even if they promise to give me a rusty trumpet in return, but when I do, I do a bang up job of it. Some men’ll renege so it’s a good idea to get yours first if you can. This trick (male and female recipient versions vary only in that the respective genitals must be stimulated differently). You don’t need much in the way of instructions to learn this one. Pick a suitable place, preferably one with an easily scrubable floor. If you want to surprise him, first gain complete access to his body from the waist to the thighs while he’s standing and you’re behind him (you’re probably already skilled at doing that). Jumping him as he’s toweling off from a shower is best. He needs to be erect, very erect, and might be just from you pulling down his pants. If not, you know how to make that happen. (You can remain fully clothed unless you want him to reciprocate, in which case you’ll want your vitals exposed when it’s your turn to receive.) Drop to your knees directly behind him. Have a pillow or low stool available if you think you’ll need height adjustment for proper alignment. Glide his trombone slide back and forth as you excite his anus with your tongue. Continue until he smears.  He may need some guidance for the best fingering when he plays your trumpet. Don’t let him stop until you blare.