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I make a policy of ignoring any reference to Gwyneth Paltrow much like I avert my eyes when photos or, worse yet, videos of Kardashians enter my field of vision lest I be blinded or turned to stone. In Paltrow’s case, it’s to avoid the destruction of much-needed brain cells. However, she recently said or wrote something so bizarre I couldn’t resist reading about it, particularly since it was something that could possibly be fodder for a writer of women’s fiction or erotica. On her appropriately-named website Goop, Paltrow touts the benefits of steam-cleaning her vagina.

The above is not a misprint or typographical error, Gwyneth Paltrow claims her privates need regular V-Steams to function at peak performance. Goop gives instructions on how to give your vagina a proper steaming:

“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release–not just a steam douche–that balances female hormone levels.” If you’re in LA, “have to do it,” says Paltrow, assuming everyone has a spare $50 to spend on a single 30-minute treatment or $200 for a five-treatment package.

Should the standard herb Paltrow mentions be too hogwartian for your taste, several other herbs can be substituted: basil, calendula, oregano, marshmallow root, wormwood and rosemary.

Jen Gunter, MD thinks Paltrow’s claims are bunk: “Steam isn’t going to get into your uterus from your vagina unless you are using an attachment with some kind of pressure and MOST DEFINITELY NEVER EVER DO THAT….If you want to feel relaxed, get a good massage. If you want to relax your vagina, have an orgasm.”

But if you’re a writer, bless Gwyneth for being a never-ending muse for concocting kinky or screwball scenes.