Who’s Er Not Sleeping in My Bed?

Tags

, , , , ,

 “If your partner isn’t faithful, then at least your mattress will be.”

Tech geeks working for bed maker Durmet in Spain have developed the “Smarttress” that looks like a regular double-bed mattress but has sensors concealed in it. These sensors, we’re told, differentiate between sexual motions and movements of more mundane sorts by the use of special algorithms. Whenever a suspicious motion is detected the partner who suspects she or he is being cuckolded is warned in real-time via cell phone message.

Spain? Why Spain? Some surveys suggest that Spaniards are among the most unfaithful lovers on the planet. Ashley Madison, the go to website to arrange extramarital affairs (at least until their site was hacked and names of subscribers were made public) claims to have over a million subscribers in Spain. Spanish Ashley Madisonian males have 2.4 clandestine affairs a year where their female counterparts have only(?) 1.3. One assumes that Ashley Madison affairs represent the numbers of different people subscribers hook up with each year. The number of trysts per affair is probably not recorded. Inquiring minds believe the number of assignations per subscriber per year to be well into double digits, although not evenly distributed among rendezvous partners.

One of the reasons Durmet thinks their product will be successful in the marketplace is that the latest infidelity research in Spain found that 94% of Spaniards prefer to make love in their own homes rather than in motels, seedy or otherwise.

The software engineers designed the computer programs located in their servers to detect “suspicious activity regarding time of use, frequency, intensity or speed.” When the algorithms identify undesired activity on the mattress, it informs the cuckold immediately, and graphically, which parts of the bed are experiencing the most action, making it easy for the aggrieved to form a mental picture of what her or his partner is doing with someone else.

No statistics were provided regarding increased assaults and shootings.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/04/15/smart-mattress-lets-you-know-if-your-partner-is-cheating/

Will Global Warming Increase Orgasms?

Tags

, ,

Rep. Barbara Lee (D-Calif.) proposed recently that global warming would force women into prostitution:

“[F]ood insecure women with limited socioeconomic resources may be vulnerable to situations such as sex work, transactional sex, and early marriage that put them at risk for HIV, STIs, unplanned pregnancy, and poor reproductive health,”

BBC News reports that brain scans can determine whether a woman is faking an orgasm or is actually having one. Professor Gert Holstege of the University of Groningen in The Netherlands explained to a 2005 fertility conference that in faked orgasms the motor cortex—the conscious part of the brain—is visible on the scan because it is activated. During real orgasms, movements aren’t conscious and the motor cortex isn’t activated. He observed, “Women can imitate orgasm quite well,” when their motor cortices showed red during orgasms they intentionally faked.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4111360.stm

Holstege also found that women with cold feet only reached orgasm 50% of the time in spite of their partners’ best manual efforts. Wearing socks increased the success rate to 80%. Global warming may or not be harmful economically to women but science shows they may have more fun.

Lee’s fears about women turning to prostitution may be overstated because of the advancements in robot technology. For a mere $50,000, Hong Kong graphic designer created a lookalike Scarlett Johansson. Apparently not sexually active, she is still a threat to flesh and blood women in that she looks so real. Also, she is just version 1. Japanese developers have rudimentary sex robots for sale already. Some predict reasonably lifelike female sex robots will be out in a decade—well before global warming is predicted to overheat the world. Others say they won’t be available for men to buy until 2050, still years before global warming will be propelling poor women into the world’s oldest profession. Some would say this is a good thing. Libertarians might disagree. All I will say is that I want mine to look like Tookie.

 

Smell Dating

Tags

, , , ,

This is not a parody; this is serious. I didn’t make this up to win a bet or anything. This is just honest reporting.

Just when you think you’ve heard everything, someone comes up with something you would’ve regarded as too stupid (or gross) to consider. Smell Dating’s new approach suggests that New York singles have trouble meeting Mr. or Miss Right in that city of millions. It also suggests that techniques used by people in other locales for millennia for determining if they’re interested in meeting someone don’t work for New Yorkers. Here’s the scheme:

For a $25 fee, matchees receive a T-shirt to wear for three straight days. Bathing is not allowed. My immediate reactions are: 1) this is for use in the winter only, 2) only for sedentary people who don’t work physical jobs or exercise, and 3) have poor or bizarre senses of smell.

Here comes the hard part. When the T-shirts are properly marinated, wearers remove them by pulling them past their noses and off over their heads, the quicker the better. The more sensitive seal them into Ziploc bags to keep the aroma from permeating everything in the room. The T-shirts are mailed back to Smell Dating for processing.

Tega Brain and Sam Lavigne, teacher and researcher, respectively, at NYU receive the aromatic shirts and cut them into swatches labeled with the number of the client who wore the shirt. (Now we know why NYU charges the highest undergraduate tuition of any college in the country.) They send each client a set of ten swatches from other clients, without regard to sexual preference.

Clients then whiff each swatch to identify which, if any, smell like a person they’d like to date. No results of the outcome of the success rate for this matching have been posted.

 

Virtual Reality sex for Aspies

Tags

, , , , ,

Virtual Reality (VR) has been used as a tool for people on the autistic spectrum and articles about partner-free sex are being published with increasing frequency, primarily for young men. Little, however, has been mentioned about VR sex for autistics, especially women. Aspergirls, especially those who enjoy masturbating as their preferred sex act, might find greater enjoyment with visual stimulation as accompaniment to pleasuring themselves manually, with a dildo or aided by a vibrator. VR could be used as a training device for unintuitive young women wanting to have sexual experiences. Such devices could protect them from being exploited by men or women just wanting to use them for sex.

Woman with VR gogglesNow that inexpensive VR devices that couple with smart phones are on the market, all that remains to be developed is software. Much VR porn has been developed, both animated and with actors, and is becoming more realistic all the time. At least one vendor advertises 3D holograms that claims to allow the viewer to be a pornstar. “This new technology not allows you not only to touch the actress but also react to their motions.” Note that most of what’s available is geared toward 20-something males having intercourse with or receiving oral sex from a woman. Special devices are included to make either experience more realistic. Being immersed in the making of a porn film is probably too intense for mature Aspies and would likely be downright scary for young, inexperienced ones.

A Spanish couple’s company produces interactive porn movies that control a vibrator or a dongle, depending on the sex of the viewer, to create a lifelike feel for the encounter. Again, inexperienced Aspie girls would probably be overwhelmed by such an encompassing exposure.

Perhaps the ideal application for Aspergirls would be scenarios in which a supportive, but not sexy, guides her through learning to masturbate, then on to using a vibrator, cheering her on and applauding her efforts along the way. Since learning when and where masturbation is acceptable, more advanced scenarios would place her in a random variety of locations and situations in which she would received positive reinforcement for pleasuring herself in appropriate places and negative reinforcement elsewhere.

With sex robots on the way, this VR world will likely change very rapidly in the near future. One positive is that young men with poor social skills will probably not find a need to take advantage of naïve Aspies.

 

Thwarting Devious Men

Tags

, , , ,

Women can also use SwimCount to reduce their chances of a men unexpectedly injecting buns into our fertile ovens. Some of you may have already run into fiends who falsely claim to have had vasectomies or whose operations somehow failed to prevent impregnation. It’s easy to succumb to the siren calls of “let’s go bareback” because it feels oh so much better. I love feeling a man erupt inside me but hate the disruption of another abortion. SwimCount can tell you if he’s shooting blanks with as much precision as it does with evaluating quality swimmers.

Don’t count on it for your one-night stands or spur-of-the-moment romps because, while SwimCount gives you valuable information about his ability to inseminate you, it says nothing about STDs. So, like them or not, girls, you best put raincoats on strange willies you take in.

Panties.pngSpeaking of strange willies, if you’ve been getting some cock on the side and you throw your used panties into the hamper, you might have to worry about being caught. Because not everything that comes into us stays there, we leave trails of our sexual behavior. CheckMate is a product used by husbands, boyfriends, and detectives to determine if we’ve been fooling around. It takes advantage of the fact that semen can continue to drip out of us up to 72 hours after he deposits it. CheckMate uses a strip sort of like a litmus paper to instantaneously detect the presence of semen on underwear or panty liners.

Fortunately, there are simple ways to defeat the test: have sex with your live-in shortly before or after stepping out on him. If you find that too disgusting, use panty shields and discard them where he can’t find them. And be sure not to let your lovers make Bill Clinton’s famous “blue dress” mistake.

I’m looking out for you girls,

Tookie

Counting His Sperm

Tags

, , , ,

It’s easy for a man to make an effective test of his sperm. All he has to do is not ejaculate for three days—by any means, not just in a woman. It’s harder for a woman, even when her man participates, moreso when you’re doing it without him knowing you’re doing it. Since my whole reason for testing a man’s sperm is to find a virile man to impregnate me. After he passes that test, I’ll worry about his worth as a husband and father but not before. With a loudly ticking biological clock I can’t afford to waste time. I must find a man able and willing to knock me up ASAP. So, the first date is not too soon, even before if I feel safe bringing a pick up to my apartment.

How to do it? Jacking him off into a cup on the first date would probably get a good sample but would likely make him think you’re too weird for a second date. I personally dislike condoms but they’re probably the best way of collecting a sample without him knowing what you’re up to. Reward him by letting him take you in whichever orifice he chooses anyway he chooses—even places you don’t like it—provided he wears a rubber.

As soon as he comes, remove his rubber yourself and take it to your bathroom where you deposit the sample in the test kit. Hide the test kit and prepare for more rounds of pleasure. Make sure you capture his sample the first encounter of the night because his sperm count will drop with later encounters.

Use your judgement as to letting him stay the night or not. Regardless, get his number off his cell phone so you can call him if he passes muster. The SwimCount kit determines how many sperms swim properly and have a good shot at putting a bun in your oven. Don’t despair if he’s borderline or a little low. He may have pounded his pud within three days of putting his meat to you. A retest is in order. Arrange a date for a week later to give him a chance to recharge. Test as many other men in between as you like. It’s him that needs to be celebate—even from his hand—for several days, not you. If he passes the test, tell him to get tested for STDs immediately and get ready for the night of his life when he shows you a clean bill of health.

I’m looking out for you single girls,

Tookie

SwimCount

 

Sperm Gotta Swim

Tags

, , ,

If we didn’t have a hard enough time getting pregnant, researchers now tell us our bodies often reject unfamiliar sperm and that it can take three months of exposure to a man’s semen before we allow them a shot at a ripe egg. This behavior could make it harder for those of us who want babies without other than a brief encounter with a man. Bad news for lesbians. Good news for those of us who enjoy one-night stands but don’t want children—at least yet. It also helps explain why some couples only get pregnant after long periods of trying: her body finally stopped rejecting his semen or one of the few sperms in his low-potency semen finally scored.

Since I would divorce a man unlikely to have a rational chance of impregnating me, pre-testing candidates for fatherhood makes perfect sense to me. SpermCheck has been available for a good while but it only looks at part of the problem. Sure, it identifies sperm counts too low to succeed but it overlooks another common problem. Swimming is essential and many sperms are non-swimmers. SwimCount, a Danish product available in the European Union and part of the British Commonwealth, addresses this void analyzing the motility of the sperms in the sample. If less than 50% of a sample with an acceptable sperm count swim in a forward direction, it’s time to try a new candidate. This guy isn’t likely to be handing out cigars any time soon. Better to move on.

Both SpermCheck and SwimCount easily used by men to test themselves. However, I don’t think I’d be able to hook Mr. Right if I asked him to have his sperm tested as a prerequisite to dating me. The best approach for me is to prepare my bedroom for testing him surreptitiously during a date.

We’ll discuss the details next time. For now, I’ll just say that collecting samples orally won’t work because my saliva would kill the cells.

I’m looking out for you single girls,

Tookie

sperm

 

Making Sure Your Lovers Are Up to the Task

Tags

, , , ,

A Danish company is now producing a kit useful for those of us who are looking for a man to father our children or for those who want to avoid unwanted pregnancies. SwimCount is a home test that rates the potency of sperm in your lover’s semen. There are already products available to do that, you say. Not really. Existing products, such as SpermCheck, test the sperm count but don’t test their motile ability. To be effective, that is to get me pregnant sort of like salmon, sperm must swim upstream to reach my egg. With somewhere between 200 and 500 million sperms being injected into us with each male orgasm, you’d think getting pregnant would be trivial. But we women don’t make it easy for them. Our bodies protect us from weak and unsuitable sperms. Only the strong survive, so to speak. Our vaginas are acidic—except when ovulating—and kill most of them right off the bat, making impregnation virtually impossible most of the time. Vagina have a neutral PH during ovulation, allowing sperm to survive. Merely surviving doesn’t win a cigar. The sperm must swim through my vagina and into my cervix but, once there, they’re not home free. Cervical mucus that is supposed to help push sperm through the vagina, cervix and beyond while feeding it nutrients to give sperm the energy needed for the long journey to the egg sometimes kills the very thing it is supposed to assist.

Those sperm left surviving face another challenge in the cervix when they hit a fork in the road. Each leg of the fork leads to a fallopian tube, only one of which has a fertile egg in it at a time. Those taking the wrong tube fail in their mission. The few survivors compete for the honor of impregnating me. The first one to penetrate the mature egg wins and, voilà, I’m preggers.

Next time we talk about how to make sure our lovers aren’t shooting blanks or are when we want them to be.

I’m looking out for you single girls,

Tookie

 

No More Robotic Sex

Tags

, , ,

One thing I’ve never been accused of is giving robotic sex. Now, it appears that robots may soon become my primary competition for giving a man a good time. Earlier this week, VirtuaDolls jerked their Indiegogo campaign because of—get this—too much response. Most abandoned campaigns fail because of too little interest. Not VirtuaDolls. The builder tweeted, “Had to put the campaign on hold folks! Too much, too fast! We’ll be back shortly after we address a few things.”

This product looks to me to be a poor man’s (I can’t see a woman buying one of these unless she’d prefer subbing out that part of her marriage contract) holodeck[1] in which men would put on a VR helmet and attach the device to where it would give him the most pleasure. He would hold the “programmable pressure gripper,” which can vary how tight it squeezes and the speed of the “stroke motion.” Its sensors detect the power of the man’s thrusts to control the onscreen action. As far as I know the ST:TNG Holodeck didn’t provide these features.

Eos ships VirtuaDolls with an adventure called Girls of Arcadia in which gamers try to save a scantily clad damsel in distress. For those with little time to waste playing a game, “sim mode” allows them to pick a woman and go to it. Apparently, Eos founder William Spracklin thinks a single scenario and sim mode won’t be enough to satisfy customers because he suggested that his current staff doesn’t have the right talents to “help create an amazing experience.”

This is where I might have an opportunity. I love giving phone sex and making up all sorts of kinky scenarios but don’t have the right kind of voice for it. Although a mature woman, I still sound like a little girl. Where can I buy screenwriting software?

Always,

Tookie

[1] Star Trek: The Next Generation featured a room in which “hard light” holograms are created with “holographic projectors” to create virtual realities with interactive stories that were used for entertainment or to practice skills.

Girls of Arcadia

Instantly Reversable Vasectomy

Tags

, ,

Clemens Bimek must be stopped. Who cares about some obscure German carpenter you ask. Women most certainly will when they hear what he’s been doing. Some 20 years ago this carpenter became interested in plumbing—male plumbing, that is. While watching a TV documentary about conception, he wondered if the flow of his semen could be controlled with a valve much like one that controls water, just much smaller. Several doctors he spoke with about the idea scoffed at it but some encouraged him to continue tinkering with it. Eventually, he settled on a material that has been well tolerated elsewhere in the body.

Bimek’s tiny valve—less than an inch long—is surgically implanted on the vas deferens, the ducts that carry sperm from the testicles. When the man wants to shoot blanks, he presses a button in his testicles to stop the flow of sperm to his semen. When he wants to shoot straight he puts it in the open position.

The first problem for us girls is that we have to get quite intimate to definitively determine if the intended father of our child has one of these detestable devices installed. We would be fools to accept what he says, one way or the other. A manual inspection is the only accurate way. The second problem is determining if it’s on or off. Putting a sample on a slide and taking it to a lab is impractical. What’s a girl to do when her boyfriend isn’t interested in having a baby and has one of these things installed?

Trial and error may be the only way around this vexing valve. Perhaps, the best strategy will be to always assume he’s closed the flow and press the button. Multiple couplings daily (or as often as you can get him in the sack) with the button pressed before each try should provide the best results, especially when we’re ovulating. If that trick doesn’t work, we’ll have to try something else to have our babies.

Tookie

https://www.bimek.com/?lang=en