A couple of weeks shy of five years ago, I wrote about vagina steaming and swore off paying attention to Gwyneth Paltrow’s ridiculous opinions. Perhaps, I have been remiss in not bringing attention to things she promotes. Since then, an OB/GYN physician recommended against the V-steams Paltrow was exalting on her GOOP.com website. At least one woman, a Canadian, has suffered second-degree burns to her most private parts. Probably more have but won’t admit to being so stupid and foolish.
I missed Paltrow’s other campaigns to exploit women’s vaginas. I’m unaware of products she endorses for women without vaginas or men with them. In 2017 or thereabout she started advertising jade eggs for $55 to $66 because they “…balanced out her hormones.” Instructions for proper use included: “recharge it in the full moon just the way you would a crystal,” and “wrap the egg in silk….and store it on an alter—it should take a sacred place in your life” along with a pre-instruction ritual. I am not making this up. The California consumer protection office sued her for making unscientific claims about the benefits of using these eggs. She settled for $145,000.
Now she is selling a $75 candle on GOOP that Paltrow said, “This smells like a vagina.” Not having ever been close enough to hers to comment on its odor, I will take her at her word that the candle does indeed smell like hers. To educate the uninformed, her site describes the aroma as “a blend of geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes with Damask rose and ambrette seed that puts us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.” It is far past my poor olfactory senses to even imagine the smell GOOP described. I leave that to the reader.
Perhaps the most important thing about the candle is that it was sold out and Paltrow is having difficulty meeting the demand for it.
https://shop.goop.com/shop/products/this-smells-like-my-vagina-candle?country=USA
Just in time for Christmas, Amazon has slashed the price of Only Tim Sent Flowers, the book that tells Tookie’s coming-of-age story, to $1.24 for the Kindle version and $1.23 for the paperback. It’s anyone’s guess how long they keep prices this low, so you’ll need to hurry if you want a copy of this well-reviewed book almost for free. It’s doubtful they will replenish their print version inventory at this giveaway price.
Reviews of Tookie Goes Undercover are trickling in. My challenge now is to find reading groups who might be interested in following Tookie’s escapades.
Tookie Goes Undercover, the third in the Tookie series, is being released this Saturday, May 18 in both print and ebook formats. Copies are available from both the usual on-line resellers and the publisher, Black Opal Books. Order your copy and save 15%: 
It’s happened again. Tookie was selected as a finalist for the Reader Views Literary Awards for 2018-2019 Humor category. The awards have been announced and, once again, Tookie doesn’t get to wear the white wedding gown. This time she’s the maid-of-honor, being the runner-up.
It’s happened again. One of my books has been selected as a finalist for an award. The previous times, my creations ended up as runner-ups, not the winner. Finding Mr. Wrong is in the running for Reader Views Literary Awards for 2018-2019 Humor category. Let’s hope Tookie gets to wear the beautiful white wedding gown this time instead of another ugly bridesmaid dress.
Last time, I ended by saying I’m fearful of being obsoleted by technology. That’s not entirely true. No machine could ever be developed to give a blow job to compare with mine. However, many men aren’t so discerning and are happy with whatever quality they get. That fact was proven by the popularity of inflatable sex dolls over the years. Although crude, not lifelike and inert, lonely men unable to have relationships with women bought them by the thousands.
A new model, the Autoblow 2+XT, has been announced and claims to have features that rival or exceed most women’s repertoires. For starters, it is hands free—if the man wedges it between pillows and lays on top of it—has two speeds and has five arms of beads that grip tighter than in previous models to give a more realistic feeling.
Last Saturday, even though Tookie wasn’t wearing green, her favorite color, probably due to her red hair, her publisher, Black Opal Books, released the second book in the series named after her. Finding Mr. Wrong picks up where Only Tim Sent Flowers left off. After being dumped unceremoniously by Isaac and convalescing with first boyfriend Tim, Tookie unwinds on a windjammer cruise unmolested (her satirical term for making out, an activity she thoroughly enjoyed) with girls from work.
This has been a productive week already and it’s far from over. Finding Mr. Wrong, the second book in the Tookie series, is moving rapidly toward release. The editor’s comments weren’t hard to accommodate and I didn’t find too many typos to correct, on this goround at least. So, I was able to submit the revised manuscript for final edits. Soon, PDFs will arrive in my inbox for me to review.
The Tookie Series by George Q. Kaplan 