Women can also use SwimCount to reduce their chances of a men unexpectedly injecting buns into our fertile ovens. Some of you may have already run into fiends who falsely claim to have had vasectomies or whose operations somehow failed to prevent impregnation. It’s easy to succumb to the siren calls of “let’s go bareback” because it feels oh so much better. I love feeling a man erupt inside me but hate the disruption of another abortion. SwimCount can tell you if he’s shooting blanks with as much precision as it does with evaluating quality swimmers.

Don’t count on it for your one-night stands or spur-of-the-moment romps because, while SwimCount gives you valuable information about his ability to inseminate you, it says nothing about STDs. So, like them or not, girls, you best put raincoats on strange willies you take in.

Speaking of strange willies, if you’ve been getting some cock on the side and you throw your used panties into the hamper, you might have to worry about being caught. Because not everything that comes into us stays there, we leave trails of our sexual behavior. CheckMate is a product used by husbands, boyfriends, and detectives to determine if we’ve been fooling around. It takes advantage of the fact that semen can continue to drip out of us up to 72 hours after he deposits it. CheckMate uses a strip sort of like a litmus paper to instantaneously detect the presence of semen on underwear or panty liners.

Fortunately, there are simple ways to defeat the test: have sex with your live-in shortly before or after stepping out on him. If you find that too disgusting, use panty shields and discard them where he can’t find them. And be sure not to let your lovers make Bill Clinton’s famous “blue dress” mistake.

I’m looking out for you girls,

Tookie