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It’s easy for a man to make an effective test of his sperm. All he has to do is not ejaculate for three days—by any means, not just in a woman. It’s harder for a woman, even when her man participates, moreso when you’re doing it without him knowing you’re doing it. Since my whole reason for testing a man’s sperm is to find a virile man to impregnate me. After he passes that test, I’ll worry about his worth as a husband and father but not before. With a loudly ticking biological clock I can’t afford to waste time. I must find a man able and willing to knock me up ASAP. So, the first date is not too soon, even before if I feel safe bringing a pick up to my apartment.

How to do it? Jacking him off into a cup on the first date would probably get a good sample but would likely make him think you’re too weird for a second date. I personally dislike condoms but they’re probably the best way of collecting a sample without him knowing what you’re up to. Reward him by letting him take you in whichever orifice he chooses anyway he chooses—even places you don’t like it—provided he wears a rubber.

As soon as he comes, remove his rubber yourself and take it to your bathroom where you deposit the sample in the test kit. Hide the test kit and prepare for more rounds of pleasure. Make sure you capture his sample the first encounter of the night because his sperm count will drop with later encounters.

Use your judgement as to letting him stay the night or not. Regardless, get his number off his cell phone so you can call him if he passes muster. The SwimCount kit determines how many sperms swim properly and have a good shot at putting a bun in your oven. Don’t despair if he’s borderline or a little low. He may have pounded his pud within three days of putting his meat to you. A retest is in order. Arrange a date for a week later to give him a chance to recharge. Test as many other men in between as you like. It’s him that needs to be celebate—even from his hand—for several days, not you. If he passes the test, tell him to get tested for STDs immediately and get ready for the night of his life when he shows you a clean bill of health.

I’m looking out for you single girls,