If we didn’t have a hard enough time getting pregnant, researchers now tell us our bodies often reject unfamiliar sperm and that it can take three months of exposure to a man’s semen before we allow them a shot at a ripe egg. This behavior could make it harder for those of us who want babies without other than a brief encounter with a man. Bad news for lesbians. Good news for those of us who enjoy one-night stands but don’t want children—at least yet. It also helps explain why some couples only get pregnant after long periods of trying: her body finally stopped rejecting his semen or one of the few sperms in his low-potency semen finally scored.

Since I would divorce a man unlikely to have a rational chance of impregnating me, pre-testing candidates for fatherhood makes perfect sense to me. SpermCheck has been available for a good while but it only looks at part of the problem. Sure, it identifies sperm counts too low to succeed but it overlooks another common problem. Swimming is essential and many sperms are non-swimmers. SwimCount, a Danish product available in the European Union and part of the British Commonwealth, addresses this void analyzing the motility of the sperms in the sample. If less than 50% of a sample with an acceptable sperm count swim in a forward direction, it’s time to try a new candidate. This guy isn’t likely to be handing out cigars any time soon. Better to move on.

Both SpermCheck and SwimCount easily used by men to test themselves. However, I don’t think I’d be able to hook Mr. Right if I asked him to have his sperm tested as a prerequisite to dating me. The best approach for me is to prepare my bedroom for testing him surreptitiously during a date.

We’ll discuss the details next time. For now, I’ll just say that collecting samples orally won’t work because my saliva would kill the cells.

I’m looking out for you single girls,

Tookie