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Clemens Bimek must be stopped. Who cares about some obscure German carpenter you ask. Women most certainly will when they hear what he’s been doing. Some 20 years ago this carpenter became interested in plumbing—male plumbing, that is. While watching a TV documentary about conception, he wondered if the flow of his semen could be controlled with a valve much like one that controls water, just much smaller. Several doctors he spoke with about the idea scoffed at it but some encouraged him to continue tinkering with it. Eventually, he settled on a material that has been well tolerated elsewhere in the body.

Bimek’s tiny valve—less than an inch long—is surgically implanted on the vas deferens, the ducts that carry sperm from the testicles. When the man wants to shoot blanks, he presses a button in his testicles to stop the flow of sperm to his semen. When he wants to shoot straight he puts it in the open position.

The first problem for us girls is that we have to get quite intimate to definitively determine if the intended father of our child has one of these detestable devices installed. We would be fools to accept what he says, one way or the other. A manual inspection is the only accurate way. The second problem is determining if it’s on or off. Putting a sample on a slide and taking it to a lab is impractical. What’s a girl to do when her boyfriend isn’t interested in having a baby and has one of these things installed?

Trial and error may be the only way around this vexing valve. Perhaps, the best strategy will be to always assume he’s closed the flow and press the button. Multiple couplings daily (or as often as you can get him in the sack) with the button pressed before each try should provide the best results, especially when we’re ovulating. If that trick doesn’t work, we’ll have to try something else to have our babies.